Saturday, December 30, 2006
It Aint Easy Bein' Squeezy
* Leidi - my in-law's Maltepoo (cross breed of Maltese and Poodle) who is 9 months old in dog years (circa 2 years old human years) had sneaked into my bedroom and took an *unwashed* panties of mine and ran down the stairs to show everyone her find.
Bad Leidi, Bad!
My boobs are so sore from breastfeeding that I walk around holding them in my hands so it doest 'bergegar' (malay word for 'shake') . I can no longer embrace MrJ chest to chest (ok correction, I am 5foot and he is 6foot3 - I guess its chest to stomach hug) lest my boobs are squeezed.
BabyJ had taken to wanting both boobs per feeding - every 2.5 hours intervals. Can you imagine how hard it is on my nipples? My body is not able to replenish the milk in time for his next feeding and he cries for milk. Last night in my desperate attempt to sooth his cry, I had to resort to formula feed him. I feel like such an idiot - I dont even know how to mix the powdered milk correctly and was reading and re-reading the instructions. BabyJ was not keen on formula and he kept turning his face towards my chest instead. In my sensitive mood, I cried for having to disappoint him with 2nd best, while pushing the formula bottle into his mouth. BabyJ had drops of my tears and spit from his milk all over his chin last night.
At times I feel rejected by my son - especially when he's fussing, squirming and generally being difficult when in my arms and then an uncle and aunt take over to coo over him and he flashes a smile at them and goes quiet instantly. I feel not wanted, I feel that he only wants me when he needs to be fed. I keep telling myself this is just my post-partum hormones and MrJ kept reminding me what I have said about my own parents - that it is those we love most, that we take for granted and feel comfortable to misbehave because we know their love is unconditional. If it is true, then this is my first taste of being 'on the otherside' - the parent, not the child. And its scary because this is how my mother must have felt many many times when I misbehaved.
Things between MrJ and I are also slowly changing and I am scared of what's to come. Conversations are centred a lot around the baby. Having a house full of guests had also taken a toll on him because unlike me who has the excuse of 'recovering from a major surgery', he's having to keep everyone entertained and amused. He's also had to work since Boxing Day and being on-call at the weekend (it sux being the new guy in the company). Then there's all the bloody snow to shovel off the driveway. And sharing the graveyard shift with me when it comes to changing diapers. Its all taking a toll on him, despite the hugs and smiles. Yesterday, he corrected me while I was changing the diaper and I started to cry yet again. He apologised and I felt bad because he too is having a rough time being a new daddy, and doesnt get the same molly-coddling from others as a new mother would. People tend to forget that at times, new daddies have a more difficult time because they are the forgotten entity in the excitement of new baby and sympathy for new moms. So I must behave better to MrJ and not be a cry baby towards him. That's BabyJ's full time job from now on.
I cant wait for BabyJ to turn 18 - 2 weeks old and it feels like a lifetime at times!
Ms J at 11:29 AM
Thursday, December 28, 2006
SAHM*
*Stay At Home Mom
Yesterday, we went out for dinner at Pappadeaux - a Cajun restaurant round the block. It was to meet up with MrJ's big boss who used to work for my father-in-law many years back. It was also a special milestone for babyJ, being his first outing since returning home from the hospital, 2 weeks to the day.
We dressed BabyJ is a fluffly bunny rabbit onesie, complete with drop bunny ears on his hat - poor boy will shudder with embarrasment when I show the phots to his 1st girlfriend, and 2nd and 3rd.. in years to come.
A newborn is always a conversation starter and while waiting at the bar to be seated, more than a few couples approached us to say hello to babyJ...and unfortunately, I have turned into the protective mom and do not want any dirty, unsanitised stranger's hands to touch babyJ's cheeks - especially with the flu bug going around.
Dinner was cordial - my MIL was in her elements and I wonder how a SAHM like her can have so much confidence chatting to bigwigs. She talkes about her adult children, her quilting hobby, her travels etc.
Unfortunately, I am still getting used to the idea of being one myself and conversations directed at me are all about the baby. I feel somewhat jealous of BabyJ because it seems like, at least in my insecure state of mind, that without BabyJ as my appendix, I am a no-body. The person that I was - the career woman with a fairly exciting job - has long left me and I am 'just' a mother with a newborn. It would seem silly to keep harping on to a past life of flying to Europe for business meetings etc and drop that in my conversations, just to gain some respect from these folks. It would be a sign of insecurity even.
Last night, across the table, my inner self was shouting at these folks..I am more than a milk machine, I am more than a wife and a mommy - but what am I? A has-been career girl, is all.
I realised then that I should develop some other interests, other than being totally consumed by the existence of a baby. But I dont know what. I love to read, some self-indulgent activities - spas, mani/pedis, blogging, writing my thoughts on journals - that is about it...hardly the stuff to share with strangers at a dinner table. Hardly the stuff that contributes to GDP.
Perhaps its too early to 'design' a lifestyle /hobby when I am still trying to get used to a routine with baby but when I meet strangers from the corporate sector, particularly career women, the other side of me wanted to scream out to them 'Hey I was one of you too! Hey, my life used to be as exciting as yours! Hey, there's more to me than just a baby and an Aga!'.
Such are the emotional challenges of a SAHM. A full time job without credentials. And that is why I am always in awe of mothers who go to work and wish I too can learn to juggle 2 separate lives. Perhaps one day.
Ms J at 10:21 AM
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Our First Christmas
Our first Xmas as a family was good fun and full of laughter and love. I am grateful for having the in-laws over and seeing MrJ so happy with the family setting - Fafa enjoys feeding his first and only grandchild (and has been asking when our next baby will come), Granma was busy baking unprononceable Danish cookies 3 days in a row, aunts and uncles kept coo-ing over BabyJ - it all felt really domestic and warm, despite the freak snow blizzard that made the news all the way to Malaysia.
If not for the fa
ct that this is Xmas and I am celebrating it with a bunch of 'mat sallehs', one would easily have thought it's a typical Malay Hari Raya ambience in your everyday home. It makes one realise that despite the differences in colour and culture, we are no different from ther next everyday Joe across the continent.
My in-laws are a pretty much easy going bunch of folks and I have been told I have carte blanche to whip out my boobies anywhere to feed babyJ and not have to seek the privacy of the nursery room to nurse the baby. The exhibitionist that I am, I totally dig bearing my boobs at every opportunity in full view of uncles and granpa, all in the name of breastfeeding. I guess motherhood has not changed me much.
BabyJ seems to want to hear my voice before he goes to sleep in the night, despite being fed and diaper-dry. After a few nights of 3 a.m monologues to a newborn about the color of the nursery room, his first girlfriend and his malay heritage - and only getting curious blinks and the occasional face muscle twitches (often misconstrued as a smile but newborns are too young to have facial expressions), I have resorted to reading out loud my tabloid magazines - People, Harpers Bazaar, O. My logic being that BabyJ is too young to understand words and only want to hear expressions and voices to imprint in his mind....my MIL was not too impressed to know that her grandson goes to bed with stories of Nicole Ritchie's eating disorders and Britney Spear's knickerless nite outs.
The very next day, BabyJ is the proud owner of 2 Hans Christiaan Anderson childrens' books, compliments from MIL. Point Taken.
I am still learning to breastfeed correctly. At times when BabyJ does not latch on properly to my nipples and he's screaming his little lungs out for nourishment and I panic, I often find myself accidently spraying my milk all over his face in my desperate attempt to shove these damn blasted nipples into his mouth. Poor little fellow to have me as a mother. If only love alone can feed a baby, my son would be a fat little bunny by now.
As a Giving Birth Present, MrJ left me a huge gift wrapped box under the Christmas tree. In full view of the whole family on Xmas morning, I opened my big box of present to find a Merriam-Webster dictionary sitting in amongst the paper stuffing in the box. Trying hard to muster a look of 'utter joy and excitement', I gave him a hug and said 'honey, a dictionary...just what I have always wanted!! Thank you so much!'...to the laughter of everyone. Only to be told to look deeper into the box..and I found a little jewellery box with a beautiful set of diamond earrings with enough carats to have the rabbits after me.
Tidak sangka laki aku ada perasaan romantis dalam naluri dia *
(I didnt think my hubby can be so romantic!)
*****************************
It feels like a lifetime ago since my last Xmas posting (All I Want For Xmas) when I asked for these wishes from Santa:-
to move up in my professional career - to work in Europe on high profile global projects (I gave up on my career opportunities for a different kind of life because I know my limitations and unfortunately I am not the type to be able to juggle motherhood and a career and excel at both simultaneously)
to have some savings - where there is none right now (there is still no money that is my very own...so Santa missed this out in his list)
to find love with someone and not worry about losing him. (All's fair in love and war..I found someone to love and return my love BUT i still fear losing him because life is not meant to be taken for granted)
to be happy in my heart no matter what - is it possible? YES IT IS.
Ms J at 6:29 PM
Thursday, December 21, 2006
G is for Guilt
*pic above: My son with the 'Melayu' nose
....what is it with post-partum blues that I am at times overwhelmed with feelings of guilt? I thought with the end of pregnancy and the birth of BabyJ, my reflective moods and unpredictable hormonal swings would take a dip but these last few days, I oscillate between feelings of extreme happiness coupled with guilt.
Last night, after yet another night of sleeping upright on the rocker with BabyJ on my chest (it is the ONLY way he will fall asleep) and as I tried for the n-th time to put him in his bassinet, he whimpered and cried and in my harrased, sleep-deprived state - I thought to myself 'Oh Shut Up You! Enough of This Bullshit and Go To Sleep'....and this morning I woke up feeling so horribly guilty for feeling and thinking that way to a little person who just only wanted to feel my heartbeat and my warmth as he goes to sleep.
I feel guilty that here I am embracing MrJ's family - who, despite the freak winter weather in Colorado (we have 4foot of snow right outside our front door!) , and travel difficulties (airport and road closures etc) are descending upon us for Christmas and to visit the new addition to the family. I feel guilty because the J Family's love towards this little schizo foreign woman and her baby is more obvious, more tangible than the love shown by some of my family members who despite the news of my delivery, had not even called or even emailed good wishes for me. I feel guilty for imposing on my family a more 'western' value than what they are used to. But why should there be a western/asian divide when it comes to Showing Love?
I feel guilty that I was not as supportive as I should have been towards my married sister who had some post-partum difficulties when she gave birth to her twins and daughter last year. I now realised that she was very much on her own and although I was there with her, my support was through gifts not emotional, what she needed from a sibling during her difficult times. I wish I could have done more and appreciated her situation better - so I will write her and explain how I feel. I feel extremely lucky to have access to a group of people with a wealth of information and support for me - and I dont think my sister had been as lucky as I am - she had needed me most during that time and I was instead busy trying to find love in all the wrong places.
I feel guilty because I still resent those who caused me so much tears in my failed relationships, and yet without those failures, I would not have ended up in this path - with BabyJ and MrJ. So why cant I let go of those resentment? Perhaps it is just to hold a grudge and not wanting to set free those individuals. Which makes me a lesser person. Resenting for the sake of. When I should be magnanimous - if those failures did not take place, I would not be where I am now.
I feel guilty because there are those who are better people than I can ever be, those who have been looking for love for years, and hoping for only the simplest things to make them happy - and here I am, in a different planet from where I was only 12 months back, with high expectations I set for myself which are all (at present) met.
What make me so damn lucky? Are prayers really answered by God just by talking to him?
I feel guilty towards I Dont Know What when I look at BabyJ is his near perfection (he has a bogey up his nose and his nostrils are too tiny for Qtips to go up and remove those blasted nose-shits) and I wonder who and what is looking out for me to give me this, despite all my faults and flaws.
This is what happen when you stay up into the night with a baby suckling at your nipples and a puppy wanting to lick it too.
Ms J at 2:19 PM
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Goddess Of Breasts.....
...Of The Cracked Nipples.
Is what I am called now. Day 5 of motherhood and my nipples are sore, cracked and discombobulated beyond recognition. I am hooked up to a breast-pump like a farmyard animal having its' udders pumped for natural goodness. The lactation consultations a.k.a Nipple Nazis convinced me this will work and it does, but feeding milk via syringe into BabyJ's mouth isn't that easy. The alternative, which is to whip out my boobies On Demand is hard too, especially when the little man is boob-obsessed (I think it runs in his paternal genes).
Whatever difficulties, when I look into his sparkling eyes and he looks into mine gratefully while I feed him, I fall in love all over again.
****************
I was breast-feeding BabyJ when I saw blood in his mouth and realised my nipples were so chapped it was cracked with blood. I called for the nurse and doctor who rushed to my room and I screamed 'I have a Bloody Nipple Emergency..what do I do???'.
I later learnt that its a common occurence and some emollient and massage will help ease the tenderness and stop my boobs feeling engorged. The doctor half jockingly declared that I am a Drama Queen for my 911call button reaction.
I am now officially a DQ across continents.
*pic above: BabyJ getting dressed for home.
*************************
I would like to respond to each individual well wishes here in this blog and to all those who sent personal emails but can hardly find the time. I WILL get to it eventually, to every single one of you, i promise.
Just be happy for me that today, I have my first bowel movement (yeay!) after 5 days of non-action and post-partum nerves. I was in the loo for an extremely long time in excruciating pain, with the door open so I can keep an eye on the baby (MrJ and MIL had gone out to the grocers').. and my MIL's Maltepoo puppy staring at me with his tail wagging disapprovingly.
Then the baby started crying, which didnt help me relax to do the necessaries, so I had to bring the baby into the loo with me, cradling him to experience my first Motherhood Poop.
(I hope one day when I confess this moment to BabyJ, he will find it in his heart to forgive me for the less than wonderful experience his mommy put him through!)
Baby J a.k.a Sir Poopsalot is of course keeping daddy on diaperduty 24/7 so we KNOW he has absolutely no problems with his shits like I do.
********************
Mr J is strangely excited with the sight of me breastfeeding the baby and pumping my milk. His excitement makes me nervous. He's put on a 200m radius ban from me for now. The boobs are on loan to another fella.
Ms J at 4:47 PM
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Fresh From The Oven - Sir Poopsalot
left pic: Baby John Reza a.k.a Sir Poopsalot (guess why) at 5 minutes old was born on Dec 14th 2006 via Csection.
At 6lbs even 19 inches long ,
30 hours of labour,
supplemented with only a slice of pizza and 3 crackers over 2 days for energy.....
he's too large for MsJ to bring into the world the natural way.
We are finally ONE family - I can not even begin to describe how I feel - everything I had ever hoped for in BabyJ (full bodied, 10 fingers, 10 toes and a clean bill of health from his APGAR test) and more (he has sparkling deep brown eyes, very alert, strong neck muscles and..if i can make a biased statement - pretty cutesy) had miraculously come through, like a little miracle.
I have still not been able to shed a tear, but seeing MrJ cry a little warmed my heart.
Thank you to everyone who wished us well in this journey - we are truly blessed.
********************
My MIL rang from Calgary, crying when she saw her first grandchild's baby photos. She's on a flight to see us this Monday. She said to me 'Dont worry honey, i am coming not just to look after my grandson but also you. I'll make you good soup, and clean and wash and stay up with you during nursing. I will leave when you are ready to handle this alone... '
Last night, my 1st night as a mommy, I dreamt of my own mother - I had walked into an all white room where she was on her Singer sewing machine putting beads on my wedding gown and she had looked up and gave me the most beautiful smile I had seen.
And I walked towards her with a tray saying "Mama, shall we have some coffee and cake?"
I realised it was a dream when I started to cry .. and that's when the nurse walked in with BabyJ for his first ever feeding.
Life has come full circle.
Ms J at 4:18 PM
Friday, December 15, 2006
welcome to the world, babyj!!
extract of email from a very proud dad:"babyJ was born at 11:18 PM MST via cesarean. He is six pounds even and 19 inches long. He is in great health and has all the parts a new person should have. (miss) J is currently sleeping and stabilizing from her surgery. I was able to cut the umbilical cord and feed little J his first meal...so very cool!"
happy birthday little one!!!
and CONGRATULATIONS MR. & MRS J!!!
lita at 1:24 AM
Thursday, December 14, 2006
thisissocool
iam blogging from my hospital room...have epidural,catheter, iv drop the wrokswith epidural, i cant feel my contractions and i feel like i can take on kilimanjaro.
lets hope the rest of the night is good. mr J just ordered room service, i just peed into my bag, was on msn with lita and bromhilda, will try to ring Nxxx soon but its too early where she is, MsJH shd have received my text.
now i am going to timeout, pass the laptop to MrJ to play his computer game, and i will go now
Ms J at 6:48 PM
newsflash
miss j is already in hospital (thanks broomhilda for the text!)please help pray for safe and speedy delivery for mum and baby.
insyaallah.
lita at 6:09 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Baby Is Coming To Town
Food taken during datenight last night:Tuna sashimi appetiser
Bacardi and Coke pre dinner drink
8 oz Filet Mignon with loaded baked potato and onion rings entree
A glass of Italian Campanile Pinot Grigio
Chocolate brownies a la mode for dessert
Wedding band arrived yesterday - could not fit into finger due to water retention.
After effects of big meal:
Sleepless night with leg and arm cramps
Stomach pains, likened to menstrualcramps, only 1000X worse, which lasted ALL THROUGH THE DAY.
Contractions got worse, more frequent and more intense by the day.
Decided not to ring MrJ who has a very importnat dateline today at work.
Mucous plug is now blood-tinged and panty-liner wet every hour - a sign of raptured membranes.
Feeling nauseous. Fetal movement is fine.
All 5 pregnancy books said not to panic unless one is not able to string words together during contractions due to pain, in which case to call 911 or head to hospital pronto. I can still mutter 'oh fuck, sakitnya, shit, bloody hell' under my breath - so contractions are still manageable.
In between contractions, I wrote cheques and cleared all bills outstanding for the month of Dec.
And read my book - The Dancing Girls of Lahore.
When my contractions come, I squat on all fours and scream into my pillow.
This kid better decide if he wants to come out into the world tonite or stay on to keep warm for a little longer. Mommy's not amused with drama queen antics like this - he's suppose to take after his daddy to be calm and composed.
We have wireless in my hospital room so I will keep you all up todate.
Right now BabyJ's not in my good books. urgh
Ms J at 5:02 PM
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Evening I Almost Killed My Husband
Life's Lesson #1 of PRIMARY importance:
Never EVER put any non edible / non food cans on a kitchen countertop.
My kitchen disaster stories continue to horrify me to no end - last night while preparing dinner, I sauteed some onions and reached out to spray PAM on the pan. After browning the onions, I sensed a funny non-PAM smell emitting from the pan and realised then that I had sprayed
Scotchgard instead. The onions were turning a nice golden brown - the color and shade worthy of a glossy front cover coffeetable cookbook, alas, would kill someone's palate, if not one's whole body organs.
Is it any wonder that MrJ is often suggesting that we eat out or order in ... every meal not cooked by me is another day staying alive for him.
***************
Sleepless night last night with leg and stomach cramps, feeling hot and dry in bed despite sleeping with only my bra and knickers on.
BabyJ was doing Travolta moves - at 2am his round butt was on the upper left side and by 4pm it was on the bottom right. By 5am when the alarm came on, what would have been cute to read on someone else's blog, is just not funny to a sleep-deprived cramping mom-to-be.
This morning I look zombified. Perfect. On a mid week date night at that too! MrJ had gotten a little Christmas cheque from his company and wants to take me out for a nice dinner out this evening.
Do you think last night's incidence has anything to do with it?
****************
My father-in-law has flown to Beijing for a business trip and wanted to meet up with my sister studying there. I sent her an email pleading her to please please oblige and meet up with him. He's staying at a hotel close to the Uni grounds, and was prepared to send a limo to pick her up. I anticipated her to decline so I was ready to bribe her into agreeing to meet him just so I wont be embarrased by a family member refusing to make contact with my inlaws. I have been fretting over her decision since I sent her the mail.
She gave a real sweet reply saying 'Of course I will go see him for brunch. I would do anything to make you happy, Kak Ida'.
I am so so relieved. Mr J said I underestimate my siblings too much at times. Perhaps that's true.
Ms J at 12:55 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006
STILL a baby incubator
pic above:The hairdresser advised me against coloring my whole head dark brown and put light brown highlights - she said i may not have time to come in for roots retouching for quite awhile soon after the baby's arrival so she advised me to just have brown highlights on my black hair. Was impressed that there exist a hairdresser who isnt into giving advise that will cash in the most $$ for the salon. For her honesty, she gets a real nice tip from me. The packet of crisps at the back was my lunch today..isnt it lovely to eat anything and everything within sight?
...what a long long wait. Things achived over the weekend...
Cut and Color: done
Painted the dining room: done
Xmas shopping: done
Sent off End of Year greeting cards: done
Bought winter boots: done (i wish I look good in a pair of Uggs but I am too short to carry it off well like Nxxx)
Honky Tonk Bonk with Mr J to speed up baby's arrival: done, done and done
..and after all that, I am still walking around with a baby in my belly and a panty liner that isnt pretty. Bring it ON, baby!
****************************
I still dont know what to get MrJ for his Xmas present...what do you get a man
with simple needs?
who is big on gadgets (i dont want to get fancy tech stuff if its not to the right specs he wanted)?
when asked what he'd like for a present, said 'A 75inch HD plasma will do me nice!'
goes out and buy what he wants, without waiting for the festive season?
simply ask me for a pair cheap of gloves?
Right now, its a toss up between Golf Club summer season membership or a promise of eternal sunshine in our marriage. I think I may give him the former, with a promise to myself of a gift to him (us!) of the latter.
I wish I have some savings from my hard earned pittance of a salary during my working years so that I can afford to buy him something from my own blood and sweat. To use MrJ's supp card to buy him a present somehow isnt quite as gratifying... and I told him just that last night. He said I should get out of that your money/my money mind set, especially now as we are married and have everything in joint names. I am still uncomfortable with the idea - perhaps also because I came into this marriage with no financial contribution what so ever. My parents did not have joint accounts - my dad supported the family 100% and my mother saved everythnig she earned - which on hindsight, saved the family house from bankruptcy after a lot of family issues. So I do not condemn how my parents arranged their finances but it taught me from young to NOT share everything, in case things go wrong. And it now got me thinking that perhaps one should try to have a bit more faith and learn to share everything with one's partner, and hope for the best. I dont know.
But I digress. The only present I had ever bought MrJ from my own hard earned earnings was the OSIM foot massager. Now and into many years in the future, for as long as I am a Stay At Home Mom, lavishing him with a present will not be quite the same because at the end of the day, I 'choose' the gift for him, and he 'pays' for it.
Weird innit? I wonder how long before I am truly comfortable to view the funds as OURS and not his.
*****************************
Ms J at 5:03 PM
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Effaced, Dilated and Bewildered
The ob/gyn checked me today and declared that I am 50% effaced and 1cm dilated and baby's heartbeat is as strong as ever, despite the Bloody Show recently. I am relieved and elated because everything is going as planned and my journey is almost over. Dr Wepman said she can even feel the baby's head as she put her finger in me.like Wow!
This is our conversation after the ob/gyn appointment:
Bewildered pregnant woman that is me: Honey, lets cancel all plans for the rest of the day, lets rush home. I want to squat on the bathroom floor and poke a finger in me to feel the baby's head too.
Patient husband trying to keep sanity in check: No, you will do no such thing! Dr Wepman knows what she's doing..you may get the wrong hole..
Me: oh, there's only 3 and I know which one for heaven's sake. And how complicated can it be..i am sure i can navigate with my finger....or do you want to do it instead? its a good way to say hello to junior before he comes out..let him know we cant wait to see him...
MrJ (changing tactic, moving from rational argument to safety factor to deter enthusiasm): Dr Wepman was wearing sanitised gloves, which you dont have. And you may poke the waterbag and cause a dent on the baby's head...you dont want a cone head baby now do you?
Me: humph..shucks
MrJ: If you cant wait to be a mom, lets go home a have a romp, its what the doctor ordered! Then maybe we'll be parents by this weekend!
Me: oh no, can't do that....we have to paint the dining room this weekend, can have the baby out yet. And I have my cut and color appointment too this saturday. and dont forget we havent bought a snow shovel, or put the infant car seat in yet. and I have to update my blog, and lita thinks i have given birth because i didnt ont reply to her mail... no no, nope! cant be parents yet this weekend honey.
******************************
Pregnancy 101
Chapter #324 (1.23): The changing face of your undergarment wardrobe.
*right pic: This is what you wear to get knocked up.
I was doing an 'undergarment spring clean' yesterday and realised that since getting heavily pregnant, I have not worn quite a few of my favourite things - what I called 'Shag-geable Chintz' and moved onto comfy cottons (what I would have worn in my single days when I am not on a date) and now, with a belly that obstruct views of my southern hemisphere and a bum that displays arrays of stretchmarks, down to fat knickers.
**below right pic: Comfy cottons to accomodate expanding girth
***below right pic: fat knickers
*******************
Last night I spent 2 hours reading up on BabyJ's College Savings Plan proposal by the financial advisor. Its incredibly overwhelming - where to put junior's funds for the most tax-efficient and high yield returns options. The idea that we have to plan now for 18 years ahead for the little fella seems scary, and with so much contingencies too - like, what if he doesnt want to go to university (they call it college here in the US) and prefers to bum around in a Cambodian hippie commune with a guitar and a cornhaired girlfriend? What if we die and babyJ's godparents need to access the funds? What if he gets state funded baseball scholarship (yeah!), what if he fail his entrance exam to college?
Right now to me, the future is as far as keeping babyJ alive with my breast milk and not have him bite my nipples too hard. To have to think about education plans seems like something so far removed from my life right now, and yet I know part of parenthood is embarking into unknown territories, like thinking and planning about SOMEONE else's future.
Bewildering indeed.
Ms J at 10:27 AM
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Wot A Bloody Panic!
So there I was having hot curry dinner with MrJ (cooked by me, I'll proudly let you know!) sitting on our bar stools talking about oh-something-frivilous like TomKat's extravagant Italian wedding (he indulges me in my petty obsession with A list celebrities and I attempt interested conversations about his Guild War computer games).
I suddenly feel a gush of wetness on my knickers. Girls, its the same sensation you feel on your heaviest day of menses.
My first instinct was to think 'wow, i must be horny for this guy, i've wet my panties just talking to him'.
A second gush came a few minutes later and again, I though 'Maybe I do fancy Tom Cruise afterall, I'm creaming my panties again!'.
Vanity rather than propriety got me to interupt dinner and check myself in the loo. I did not want to stain my white upholstered bar stools - scotchguarded or otherwise. And to my horror, I was bleeding profusely, with blood gushing down my legs and on to the floor. My panties was a write off and had to go straight into the bin, and I had to put on my long forgotten sanitary napkin to soak in the blood.
MrJ was calm and composed while I finished my dinner and ring the physician-on-call. We were asked to wait for an hour and see if I had soaked up enough blood ot have to use 2 sanitary napkins. After more diagnosis over the phnoe, I was told that I was experiencing what is called 'A Show'...the opening of the mucous plug and cervix to prepare the body of labour. Not a hemorrage (because my bleeding had stopped), or miscarriage (because I can feel the baby moving after a drink of orange juice to check fetal movements) but simply a natural progession towards labour which can take place within a few hours of the bleeding up till a week later.
(how on earth could I have missed that chapter on 'The Show' in all my pregnancy books??)
So phew for that, but what a bummer for having to throw away my favourite knickers.
I had wished MrJ to panic a little bit more than he did - his composure was a little frustrating because I wanted him to feel what I feel. But then again, in my panic-mode, I often tend to over-compensate by playing relax but talking gibberish.
Last night, I slept with 4 bath towels under me, just in case my water breaks of I get bloody again. It reminds me of the times when I used to wet my bed as a kid and the maid had to line the bed with sheets of plastic and towels.
Throughout the night, I could feel the ligaments to my uterus stretching and the baby's round head down below. I also dreamt that I was a stowaway on a vessel heading out on a journey into some unknown place and a soul (i dont know who's) appeared before me asking me to say my 'Dua KalimaShahadah' (the words one say to convert to Islam; or to acknowledge Allah's powers and the prophet's being etc)..and in my dream, I could not say it out loud correctly. And I was frustrated because the words are playing in my head but it comes out all wrong when said aloud.
Isnt that just freaky? If I am to die at childbirth (and we are not being dramatic here, you understand...), I think all I can muster would be those words in my head but I will probaly not be able to say it out loud.
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Multi tasking is not my forte - nourishment for the soul and the stomach should be kept separate - blogging and cooking dinner simultaneously is not a good idea - at least for a kitchen novice like me.
The night before last, I was attempting a fairly fancy meal of pan seared chicken breast with artichoke hearts and mushroom cream sauce on black rice when I took out a jar of *what seems* like the prepared cream sauce and bunged it onto the griddle. I then went back to blogging while waiting for my dish to simmer down.
That is until MrJ walked in and asked me if he will be having chicken soaked in Caeser Salad sauce for dinner.
so no more multi tasking. focus, Focus, FOCUS MsJ!
Ms J at 9:52 AM
Monday, December 04, 2006
I am a little bit schizo a little bit rock'n'roll
Enough fretting over family issues already - its emotionally taxing, its beyond my control, you cant wake the dead from the grave to work miracles and its not healthy for baby and hubby so despite trying hard to keep family image dignified..and failing, I had to tell MrJ what's bothering me. We will wire money into my account to resolve the financial issue. All because a sibling could not get her act together....but not before I make my thoughts known via 2 phonecalls early this morning to China and to Malaysia to 2 siblings, followed by 2 emails ...
hye sis thanks for listening to me ramble on in our call today. i am sorry if my birthday call to you had been hijacked by my incessant nagging for you to study and by my frustrations about XXX and the money issue - i needed to vent and its best done with a fellow family member than an outsider, so i hope you understand. and i appreciate you listening all the way through while i go breathless with my this and that. i am expressive, but better that than to go quiet and not say a word ey. if i die tomorrow (and you know i am IMMORTAL, hahaha, because i will still come nag you from the grave about your GPA!), at least you know how i feel about everything under the sun. ok happy birthday again, glad to know you had a fun day with friends and loved ones, sorry that not everyone in our family rang/text you a birthday message - please consider my call a representative from ALL in the family. i love you dearly and want to see you successful AND happy.tell your BF i need his help to motivate you. cap your online chatting to 1 hour per chat then break it up with 3 hours of study before you continue chatting again.(one last nag before i sign off) love and birthday hugs.
and the other one
hye sis, i hope by the time you have time to read this, alia is back to normal and in the pink of health. what did the doctor say about her health? could it be some carelessness with the maids? hygiene or food related factors? or perhaps an allergy? let me know what the doctor said ok, even when she is well again. i am sorry when i rang you to talk about the money owing, it was not an an appropriate time, seeing that you were on your way out to the clinic with the baby but it is very difficult to get thru to your your hp, and even more frustrating to know that you didnt get both my voicemail messages. apa la your phone ni kokak sikit la wei (*translation: your phone sux). it would be better if you try to log into your emails for 15 mins once a week. but i dont apologise for sharing you my frustration about the money so that still stands.like i said NUMEROUS times before, sort out a standing order for 100 bucks monthly into my account and let me know when that will begin. then i wont bug you anymore. otherwise, you cause me stress and i risk having my cheques bounce. pls pls pls do your part in our deal here, i cant stop my cheques, my monthly outgoings every month is just below RM3000 so every penny INTO the account counts. i am really trying to be nice about this but i cant just write off the money either. i hope you understand. again, apologies for the timing of the call and i hope your baby is fine but pls do what's imperatively necessary to sort out the funds. dont give me a 'SOON' answer. lots of love and hugs to everyone, especially you,J
so there. There is only so much i can do in my attempt not to embarrass my family members to another, but circumstances require that i have to spill the family shit to MrJ and rope in his help to bail me out from the financial conundrum.
I feel like a schizo right now with my blog postings of late - on the one hand i am so antagonistic and frustrated with my family and on the other hand, i am trying to 'not sweat the small stuff' as MrJ had advised me, which i think, is easier said than done. There is no point tring to swim against the tide in some instances, so i am just going to leave it be and bloody not care anymore, that is until something else rile me up and piss me off.
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The oby/gyn visit last Friday was a tad disappointing. I was told that BabyJ weighs just under 6lbs. For a little fellow who's due in 2 weeks' time, that's a pretty tiny little person coming out into the world (an average full term baby weights circa 6.8 - 7.8lbs), particularly since MrJ is a big man and weight close to 8lbs. I was told not to worry and the baby can always 'catch up' on his weight but I really want (as if one has control over these things!) babyJ to have a good start. It is simply a wish list, but my no1 top wish list is of course for him to be able bodied, healthy and pass his APGAR test with flying colors.
I had the oby/gyn check my cervix to see if I am partially dilated (aren't I an eager beaver!) because I am already showing all the signs that my body is preparing for labour - the Braxton Hicks contractions, losing my balance when I stand (that's the pelvic bones looseing up), and mucus on my knickers (too much information? if only you know what I have not told you!).
She inserted her finger in me and said I am waaayyy too tight and 'have strong muscles' there. MrJ said I had a smug smile on my face with that statement from the doctor. I reminded him all those Kiegel exercises dont come to nought and with my muscles, I can probably break his finger :-)
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We had a 'virtual baby shower' on Saturday, organised by my sister in law. She had sent out a sweet email to friends and family, with our baby registry and we open the gifts at noon on Dec 2nd. I thought it was a novel idea and a way to bring together everyone we know from all across different parts of the world *virtually* into our home on the baby shower day. Conscious of the USD exchange rate which may be prohibitive to some of my malaysian friends, I had also included items in the baby registry that cost under USD10.
It was lovely to receive baby gifts from all over - some from Inconditus readers...so a big THANK YOU for your generosity and kindness of heart. It is not the gift per se but the thought.
BabyJ also received from Amsterdam his very first Christmas present(s!) that will sit snugly under the tree until Xmas day, amongst many other lovely luverlies in the package. Thank you Nxx :-)
I am busy writing Thank You cards now.
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Sunday was a sociable day which started with breakfast at 7am with friends of the JXXXsen family at Cracker Barrel - a popular american family restaurant in the south. As it was snowing and cold and I was late, I had to literally dash out the door in my Winnie The Pooh PJs and a heavy winter coat...knickerless. It was a choice of either brushing my teeth or putting on knickers before I leave, you see.
MrJ is still suffering from the shock of knowing his wife had breakfast and tate a tate with some old people he knew, with no panties on. I think he would have preferred if I do it on a date nite, and not during breakfast with family. Men!
In the afternoon, this time nicely showered and with knickers on, we went to a friend's daughter's 3rd birthday party. She is the only toddler i know EVER who doesnt pull a face and cry when seeing me but instead offers a big wide grin and a beautiful toothy smile. For not being scared shit of me, she's gotten herself a Cabbage Patch Kid from us.
Bribery works wonders, you see.
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Ms J at 3:43 PM
