Tuesday, February 28, 2006
lembah baliem
…no, this is not baliem valley.
which, until december 2005 was totally unknown to me, and even then initially only as the title of a song in a “live” album by indonesian rockers slank recommended by shandy our guide in bandung (which i listen to at full blast when driving home, with the windows down).
the real baliem valley is in indonesian papua (irian jaya), “discovered” by the west in 1938. the description of a 1600 m high valley surrounded by 3000+ m peaks (some snow-capped), thought to be a lost civilization, is enough to give one goosebumps (ok, am not so keen on the men going around wearing only penis gourds and pig oil rubbed on their skin and the women going around topless, but that’s just me...).
it has been deemed one of the last frontier on earth.
the above is a picture of the small valley i encounter on my way to work every morning when i take the back road through langat (yes miss j, i lose reception right about here!).
it is almost always covered in mist, even past 8.30 in the morning.
it is now in the process of being bulldozed in the name of “development”, with red earth showing here and there.
scarred.
soon it will all be gone.
to make way for more and more houses (like mine..?) and shops. conveniences.
i am reminded of the postcard F sent me back in 1993 a few days before our exams (which i treasure and still have with me). 
just in case the print is too small and can't be seen properly, it says:
ONLY AFTER THE LAST TREE HAS BEEN CUT DOWN
ONLY AFTER THE LAST RIVER HAS BEEN POISONED,
ONLY AFTER THE LAST FISH HAS BEEN CAUGHT,
ONLY THEN WILL YOU FIND
THAT MONEY CANNOT BE EATEN.
Cree Indian Prophecy
what then, will we do, and where, would we go?
(note to self - do not, on pain of pain, take jalan ampang when exiting the back road ever again. there are 8 traffic lights and you will lose your temper. resist!)
lita at 6:35 PM
Monday, February 27, 2006
sunday morning
0430 – woken up by heavy rain. went back to sleep, dreamt of massive floods, the US government, and quite possibly the kyoto protocol (but can’t remember details)
0632 (text from planman, on bukit gasing* plans) - heavy rain in pj. maybe cancled have u left yet?
0638 (text from planman) - waiting on confirmation. pissing it down in pj at the moment
0645 (text from planman) - right get yer butt outta bed. meet at 7.45
0720 - mum’s nasi lemak not ready yet but sambal ikan bilis was, so had that with bread. yumss!!
0755 – pick up planman. the rest were nowhere in sight
0816 – started hike with mr everest (and his 20kg backpack) and 5 other (big) guys (then again, planman has become quite skinny nowadays..). i was the only girl as all the other ladies didn’t turn up. my open offer to be additional carry-on weight to anyone in need was patently ignored by the guys. discovered too late that the loony eh sorry our leader is sadistic. and his right hand man is a masochist. (come to think of it, so am i)
0925 – finished first loop. almost died. was mental enough to take a call from miss j while navigating a particularly steep incline. completed two more loops. it got quite bad at times that i longed for the pain of yoga. went vertical while descending at one point hanging on to rope for dear life, providing (much needed) entertainment to planman
1047 – exit from suspension bridge onto civilisation again, and trudged back to car. onwards to raju’s. food. and drink. bliss.
(note to self - did i actually say i wanted to climb mount kinabalu this year?? am i insane??!)
*bukit gasing is a green patch of hills in pj, with a variety of hiking trails, ranging from a breezy walk in the park to steep oh-god-kill-me-now stretches. this is multiplied ten-fold after a downpour
lita at 11:10 PM
ouch!
... my boobs feel tender and sore... is it that time of the month (already?) or have i got a bun in the oven (why do i do this to my self and go thru alarms like this EVERY effin month? i shd just pop the pills like normal people!)...an indecent proposal came thru the mail from a friend asking for my availabilities end of Mac to 'take me to the Gold Coast' . aiyaiyai, i am a one man woman and is no longer looking for free trips and bonks in exotic places. all my FBs an FIFs should just read my blog from now on so everyone's clear.
...had dinner with the london client last thursday night at Nerovivo, Ceylon Hill (femalre readers, and readers with ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES, do go there to check out the hot italian headwaiter and sommelier, y'll) . all cordial and pleasant. with a hint of 'we can still eff each other and we can be discreet'...but no no no, i am a one man woman.
(it was off putting to learn that he was effin his wife's best friend every few months, goodness gracious).
....3 more weeks before TheBoyfriend's parents get here. Am rather anxious about it. They had asked that I call them by their first names and not 'Mr and Mrs..' but because TheBoyfriennd always talk of them as 'mom and dad' I have this phobia of accidently calling them 'mom and dad' too while in conversation...and I think she will panic thinking I am an eager beaver to marry her only son. Are these all just silly anxieties..(that will eventually erupt into teenage pimples on my complexion, and therefore there starts another anxiety, that I may look too ugly to be the girlfriend of their son?). I should have had the knack for these thnigs already....i should know the routine. damn, afterall - I've had 2 mother in laws in my lifetime so far! (not to mention, 7 step children before) so this should be easy peasy!
But, like a born again virgin, it always feels like the first time everytime!
Ms J at 5:26 PM
Sunday, February 26, 2006
bzbzbzbzbzbzb
Friday night: Entertaining NL client with posh nosh and 2 bottles of the best Cabernet Shiraz you can find at 400+ metres up KL skyline - happy that TheBoyfriend joined in to share the privilege of entertaining the delightful company. 2 jugs of Margeritas at SevenAteNine, Ascott (check it out yo'll, despite the naff name its got a great ambience - Miss J reckons its the next big thing!) later, we were all the best of friends .. hic!
http://www.poole-associates.com/AscottF+B-KL-web.htm
Saturday: Woke up feeling a lil bluergh and not from the hangover...too many tight schedules, even at the weekends..running errands and ticking off To-Do list - accompanied TheBoyfriend for physio, visited the hairdresser's (she no doubt did a hash of a job blow dring my hair i was pissed off and only left a RM2 tip), did some groceries, attempted some retail theraphy, replied to what feels like a zillion text messages about the planned party that night at LunaBar (why oh why do people always ask Who's gonne be There? why cant everyone just be SOCIABLE and turn up ? why the many questions abt how many honeys will be there, who else is going yadayada..)
Luna Bar do started out pretty slow but took off much later - was very very happy to see TinTin and his party troop, Judo Boy and his beautiful girlfriend (wowweeee dude u'd better put a ring on her finger fast else she gets snapped up) and of cource, NF and his french buddy chatting up the Dunhill girls. PlanMan was his charming self on a date with a blonde (i shall say no more!) and Lita was a good sport to turn up to dinner with Miss J and partner (part of the BIE - Boyfriend Intergration Exercise Project Plan Phase II).
Sunday: Another mad rush to jump out of bed to pick up kid sister for her violin lesson, rushed back to cook (for the first time in 2 years!) for TheBoyfriend and am now- sunday evening, at the office catching up on work.
Its a mixed weekend - socially enjoyeable (met lots of nice new people) but felt too busy, too tired and for some reason, sense an uncomfortable inkling feeling that all is not well on the Relationship front. Is it me or is it him? good that he's off on a business trip to India for the next few days - i think the distance will be good for us. and i have decided not to spend Friday night with him next week. a little time on our own separately is perhaps what's needed to keep the romance. but we havent been spending ALL our time together either. so...?
Ms J at 6:11 AM
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Raspberried...enchanted and bewildered
..(to the tune of Rod Stewart's hit song..for all yer fogeys out there who knows what i'm talking about)
I like it when I get woken up in the mornings with a raspberry on my fat naked tummy - and I have to jump out of bed so he doesnt tickle me no more.
Its the best way to wake up in the mornings - better than the ole alarm clock. and you have the rest of the morning to smile about it..that is, until you hit the KL morning traffic to work. or worse still, when you realise your tummy wobbles just that little bit more lately because you've put on weight from all that Bacon and Eggs you have for breakfast every Saturday that he cooks for you.
damn. gotta lose the flab and be a chick again. (was i ever?)
***********************
you know u have a good friend in someone when he stops you having a Long Island Iced Tea to calm your nerves before your appraisal with the boss and insisted for a strong long black inctead.
Planman, i had a lovely time killing time with you at The Ivy doing what we do best..talking shit.
************************
Ms J at 12:55 AM
Monday, February 20, 2006
the smell of java
the air-conditioning in my room at the office, at a given temperature, at a particular speed, at a certain time of the day, sometimes, smells of the ink used in (some) javanese batik prints.i love it.
it drives me mad.
it goes through the nose, permeates the skin, infiltrates the heart, triggers memories and takes over my head.
it makes me want to go back to java.
it makes me want to go home.
lita at 1:28 AM
Sunday, February 19, 2006
monday morning blues
...I am FUBAR or is the rest of the world FUBAR*? why does shit hit the fan only on Mondays and it takes 5 work days to clean up?*Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
******************
...hung out with TheBoyfriend at his apartment since Friday night and had not gone back to own place since. Is it any wonder that despite moving in to own abode since last December, the place still seems like a hotel than home to Miss J? Astro line still to be sorted, bathroom mirror not yet in placed, crockeries still undelivered (because Miss J is never home), mails not collected, rotten eggs and expired milk still in fridge...only one word to describe current state of affairs.. ALAHAI*!
*malay colloquial for 'oh dearie me'
Last night, I realised I am short of a knicker to wear to work today (not going back to own place also means not replenishing on clothes at his place) . All I have is a boy cut La Senza and what I need is a pair of thongs to go with the white work skirt (VPL from the boy cut is a big no-no and you dont have to e a fashinista to know that). Told TheBoyfriend I may have to go commando to work and he frantically set the washing machine going last night to launder the one and only piece of knickers there is. He'd rather I wear the boy cut or even one of his boxers to work than for me to go sans apparel.
hmm..he's obviously a more decent bloke than i am a decent lass.
*****************
My dad rang me up about match-making my single and available 28 year old sister to a 37 year old man back home. I put on an interested voice and told him to leave it with me to manage and propose to my sister. I know for certain, sister will be most offended to know dad's trying to match her with some fella up north he had not even met himself.
hmm..gotta assign some tasks to dad, he's got too much time in his hands. should i get him a potted plant?
****************
went to visit mum on sunday - spoke to her about work shit so all is fine and i feel better. she did however said in shock horror voice 'la, awat yang gelap sangat ni? pi mana?*' (translation: oh no, what happended to you? why are you so dark?where have you been?). She doesnt know I had been to maldives.
****************
i am chikin shit. all that harrassment at the office over my hair color so i have now recolored to pitch black. i look like Morticia from Addams' Family - if only i am fairer. thank goodness for the tan afterall.
Ms J at 9:36 PM
Thursday, February 16, 2006
my fear
...i have been having some challenges at work this week since my return from Maldives. It is not the workload nor the actual work itself but with a colleague who seemed to pick on me on non work related matters. I cant help but feel that she has a little bit of the green monster in her, why else would she be making hurtful remarks such as 'you went to maldives for holiday AND bought a new car AND apartment all in one year? are you getting paid more than me??' and 'dont wear this blouse to work, it makes you look like a Kampung Girl (i was wearing a silk British India top which is hardly Villagey, if you must know!)', 'your skirt is too short' and 'can you sit on this chair to bring the seat down, I am too light - you're fat enough to do this (i am 5 foot 50kg, does that make me FAT?) '. Yesterday she called me a 'dumb blond' because my hair color is bleached by the sun such that it is browner than pre-holiday...this, after a particularly Operational conferance call we had with The Hague that I chaired (and felt quiet satisfaction for being able to contribute altho it is beyond my scope of work).Throughout the week, i laughed off the snide remarks, and tried to pander to her as someone more senior and older than me but i am feeling battered. There is only so much bootlicking one can do.
She's a nice enough person (she gave me a big hug months ago when i tearfully told her about my mum's cancer diagnosis) and extremely competant in her work so I do not feel that she should at all be nasty or feel threatened by me. We do different things on the project. I know she'd like to 'take me under her wings' and she's sent me religious emails and such but surely there is so much you can do to pacify your stakeholder. perhaps i do not share her sense of humor. perhaps she's too comfortable with me? perhaps she feels the need to remind me who's boss? I do think if i am crap at my job, she's not feel quite so threatened. perhaps she's had to work so darn hard when she was my age, and felt hard done by to see me 'having it easy'?
So last night lying in bed, i was thinking about the week and my challenges at work and realised for the first time since i started this job back in July 2005, I dread coming to work.
i terribly miss my mother because in times like this, i would have no hesitation to call and share with her my concerns and she'd make me feel better just by listening.but i cant do that any more now because she is ill and its about her now. not me. so i cried in bed like a silly little girl, no longer the ball busting chica. How will I cope one day when she's no longer here?
i texted my sister and wrote I MISS MAMA. i really really miss her.
Ms J at 6:15 PM
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Zonkers Splattered!
It felt like a lifetime ago that Miss J was chillin' out by the sea, on the cabana, deck chairs and bar counters. This time last week it was TOTAL relaxation, today Miss J is zonkers splattered with work. argh. mini
Consolation: A hot italiano colleague is sitting at the work station across her today so a little eye candy to nourish the working soul is a welcomed relief. you know who you are, senor! oh la la.
(Final pictures from Maldives - so we dont flog a dead horse over the holidays last week...)
Ms J at 9:02 PM
Aiyaiyai!!!
Dying and wasting away slowly this week because there's shitload of things to do and not enough time in a day to do them....
Have a taster of Miss J's To Do list...
1. re-color hair, post sun and sea damage (notice this comes after work work work...)
2. client related work work work
3. organise drinks party next saturday night at (possibly) Luna Bar.
4. co-ordinate and host zen-spa-like all girls party at home for TheBody's birthday
5. service new car for its first 1000km on the road (having driven from mum's house to KL with hand brake up!)
6. visit mumsy
7. go for facial to (attempt) fix sun damaged complexion.
8. office related work work work
9. see ex-boss for afternoon tea on Sunday (she's migrating soon)
10.obliged to go on pseudo blind date this Friday evening, chaperoned by Project Manager, who unfortunately still thinks Miss J is single and looking. She will not approve if she knows Miss J is dating a white boy, and its a little awkward to share personal info such as this with some one who sends religious emails to Miss J every now and again. *sigh*
11. meet up for a shopping trip and dinner with a visiting London client that Miss J got notti with a little while ago at a hotel in The Hague (yes, I DO clients, in more ways than one...but no more). Promise that this will be purely shopping and dinner and no more. He is fully aware that Miss J is going steady, though am sure he will attempt to lure one to the lair with the sin water that is Merlot.
12. Host an evening with a FEMALE client from London next week. no shenanigans anticipated of course!
13. Belated Valentine's dinner with TheBoyfriend this Saturday night...where? what shall I wear?
14. Fill up fridge with healthy food and larder with sinful snacks. (fridge at present is home to a bottle of Souvignon Blanc, chocolate milk, kalamata olives and past due date free range eggs)
15. Learn to cook in 3 weeks before TheBoyfriend's parents come visiting - so Miss J can pow wow them with her delicious malaysian cooking, even if they are not impressed by her '2 ex husbands' background.
16. Have girlie session one-on-one with CatLover at her new fancy condo (with real marble kitchen top no less!) tomorrow. Must remember to bring Penfolds Bin 389 as house-warming gift.
17. Plan next vacation to Bali (and prepare SPF30 this time around)
18. Call TheBachelor in Brunei and discuss matters of the heart between him and a hot little minx Miss J introduced him to recently.
19. Meet Ylanda and Lita for Inconditus Blog's 6666 treat - Cosmo, Margherita and Ciggies at Chinoz
20. Buy something, anything...because, pardon me for sounding petty but When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Goes Shopping.
(picture above of sea airplane that took us to the South atoll of Male, and of The Baros Lighthouse Restaurant where we have breakfast every morning last week)
Ms J at 12:55 AM
Monday, February 13, 2006
Valentine Friends
Happy Valentine's Day and love to all my good friends - good for parties, for shoulders to cry on, for a laugh, for shopping trips, for silly chats on the phone and for nonsense emails to add color my mundane work days.
Boyfriends, husbands and fuck buddies may come and go, but Miss J has been lucky that her close circle of friends have stayed true to her.
We may not share the same values, personalities or ethics but we have one primary trait in common - to agree to disagree. How much luckier can a girl get than this, ey?
Thank you to Lita, Halva, TheRose, TheBody, SuperS, Fazu, Mr Accenture and Planman for being key in Miss J's timultous life!
(long over due pictures from Xmas party 2005 at Miss J's new abode )
Ms J at 11:06 PM
what to do...
..when you wasted 3 hours driving to court and waiting to see the SAR, had muesli and a bag of M&Ms for lunch, have tonnes of documents you barely understand yourself to go through and give advice on, have a headache and can no longer see your table?why, bully your male colleague who is (also) constantly hungry to have paper tosei and teh tarik with you at the mamak shop downstairs, of course!!
lita at 2:39 AM
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Reality Bites!
..am back to the grind. Arrived Sunday morning, at the office to check on mails Sunday evening. TheBoyfriend is in Dubai for a meeting. We will be lucky if we get to catch up some time soon. Its all go now!
I need 3 solid uninterrupted days to catch up on workload - oh how i wish i can give this all up and be a housewife! (or a masseuse at an island resort!)
back to work 'yoll!
Ms J at 5:51 PM
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
A little piece of heaven
www.baros.comTold TheBoyfriend last night that this Maldives trip is the best holiday ever and far superceeds the Prague honeymoon with husband #1 back in 1997.
(and i felt a tinge of guilt for saying the truth)
Miss J has been sunning herself on the cabana at our water chalet, while TheBoyfriend goes diving, so she is far from brown..she is a roasted nut(ter) indeed. We snorkelled over to little remote islands and had the place to our selves to do as we please. We smoked cigarellos at the Sails Bar and sipped margheritas and mai tais in the evenings. Our handphones (un)fortunately have no reception on this island called Baros so we are both isolated from the real world. we have thai/swedish/balinese massages every alternate days and got busy doing nothing. tomorrow we will take a sea aircraft to visit the South Male Atoll and get to see a little of the local culture.
The ambience is a perfect setting to falling in love and she is.
Happy thoughts:
..sufficient sleep and relaxation to rid of dark circles under eyes
....no emergency calls from siblings regarding mum's health
......catching up on 2 novels
........getting to know TheBoyfriend better
..........building shared history
Worries:
..nil
(not even the overflowing tummy, fat thighs, large arse in teeny weeny bit bikinis can make Miss J worry)
Ms J at 10:10 PM
backpacking … with wheels* (a.k.a. the chronicles of chester)
yes, i did it.i brought chester with me to west sumatera.
and chester had a fabulous time : )
chester at rumah gadang, pagaruyung; jam gadang, bukittinggi; padi fields, bayur; danau maninjau
(chester was also at ngarai sianok and koto gadang but climbing all those steps made lita forget to take him out)
(*therose’s and lita's backpacks have little wheels, mini stands and extendable handles, as per trolley bags, much to fazu’s disgust. but hey, our backpacks can be locked, which is the main thing. backpack weights at exit – therose, 8.7kg; lita, 10.6kg; fazu, 14kg (!))
**********************
sumatera barat is …
… bathing with ice-cold water at merdeka homestay, with about 5 seconds’ worth of hot water mixed up from the room next door by sheer luck and trick of plumbing
… having therose short-circuit the entire homestay when using her hairdryer
… eating at/buying from stalls at the roadside/pasar atas (market) in bukittinggi
… making full use of your Rp 5000 entrance fee at the majestic palace in pagaruyung and not wanting to leave
… having the undivided attention of a cute bus conductor the local women in the bus teased about kissing
… wading the small river at the bottom of ngarai sianok (sianok canyon) near sunset
… climbing the steep steps across the canyon to koto gadang
… drinking tea in an old dutch house-cum-silver shop
… having dessert at novotel, with a photography session for her excellency therose in her crown jewels, taken by fazu the royal photographer
… hills, rivers, mountains, crater lakes, active volcanoes, dormant volcanoes, padi fields, padi fields, gorgeous gorgeous padi fields …
... the 44 hairpin bends down to danau maninjau
… taking lazy national geographic-esque photos from your spot in front of the danau without having to move
… having your meals in front of the danau, under the trees
… negotiating with water buffaloes for passage on the beach
… having a bath in the shared mandi (where you scoop out water from a large container and pour it over your body) by candlelight when the electricity went out all over danau maninjau
… walking through padi fields to get to the “main” road in bayur
… playing gin rummy and bluff with rocky and putra, strumming his guitar on the chalet porch at the edge of the lake
… and more …
lita at 6:48 PM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
sumatera
our trip was for the most part unplanned.this was helped by the fact that the guidebooks were pretty vague about where to go and how to get there, unlike in java and the more touristy areas of sumatera like danau toba.
it was less hectic than java, definitely. and there are no trains to catch.
it’s perhaps not a fair comparison, and in fact a comparison should not even be made. the standard of living is higher in java, after all (don’t get me wrong, i loved my java trip, and wouldn’t have traded it for anything).
and yet i can’t help but feel the people of sumatera barat (west sumatera), unlike (some of) those i met in java, were not (just) after our money.
in java i was running around looking for things to buy. i didn’t want the sumatera trip to be like that.
and it was just as well, because there is really not much to buy in sumatera barat.
maybe i am just romanticising the whole experience and place. being in sumatera barat to me was like stepping back 30 years in time. it reminded me of my childhood, of a much simpler life.
there are no unesco world heritage sites there. no extra entrance fees payable for your camera.
but there is much breathtaking natural beauty and scenery, and even more beautiful people.
there was nanda, our fellow passenger from padang who showed us where our homestay was in bukittinggi and paid for our opelet (mini, mini van) fares there, even though he himself was still 2 hours away from his own destination; endra, our bus conductor who kept me entertained during the long bus journey back to bukittinggi from batu sangkar and pointed out all the volcanoes; bu’ yet in koto gadang, who made us tea, fed us ciku and gave us anti-mosquito lotion (and an impromptu minangkabau history lesson) even though we had not bought anything from her and were the first visitors to the shop in over a year since her husband passed away; putra, who, in his canoe found us walking along the danau beach looking for a place to stay, and made us a pretty decent nasi gorengs for lunch and breakfast; rocky, who in all earnestness tried to show us the faster way of getting back to padang without waiting too long for the bus; and countless nameless others whom we met along the way and made our trip all the more memorable.
the village of bayur where we stayed at danau maninjau, was deserted. there were, apart from us, one lone Californian backpacker there, who went off searching for the perfect place to stay.
the number of (foreign) tourists in sumatera and specifically danau meninjau have fallen drastically since the tsunami. a number of places have since closed down.
Rizal’s, our first stop for lodging, all but abandoned; a chalet overgrown with plants and flowers, reclaimed by nature.
it's sad to see such a beautiful place shunned, and yet at the same time it was lovely having it all to ourselves.
where young men rear fish and tend to padi fields.
where you can just sit by the lake and just watch the water ripple and the low lying clouds pass by.
i have only seen a very small slice of this paradise.
and i hope i will find my way back there once again.
lita at 9:09 PM
calm
padi fields and fish pools in front of danau maninjau (a crater lake) in west sumatera, with the crater rim in the background
fishrearing, on the danau
fishermen at sunset, danau maninjau
when things get too hectic, people too rude, angry or impatient, i can always look back on this ...
lita at 2:46 AM
Friday, February 03, 2006
Anxious about Anxieties
...will he still fancy me after the Maldives trip? My ass, my thighs, my tummy my every extra flash popping out of my bikini (so I went out to buy over RM200 worth of pieces of fabric that covers me barely here and there ...nothing quite like new beachwear to make a girl feel slightly less fat)...can I really afford this new car? (its fun driving the new machine but maintaining 2 cars is hard on the finances, oh please god let me have a pay rise to pay for my extravagance...what's wrong with a lil titch-mobile anyways why do i need a non Proton and why do i now desire that Peugeot 206 2 seater do i have an unsatiable need and is good never good enuff?)
...what if something happens to my mum while i am away for a week? i fear the worst but i am trying to contain my anxiety because i cannot put my life on hold and keep vigil over my mum's worsening health condition but what if and what if and i am left with the deepest of regrets? yet i do not want to be consumed with my mum's situation because i dont know how it will pan out.but what if?
...people at the office are reading my blog. A lot more than i thought. it is making me nervous. but i need this for my sanity. so i will continue to write without feeling self conscious. and hope that those who read me will at least, appreciate the honesty within these words, even if they do not appreciate the lifestyle that is me. (like it or lump it)
...I finally saw TheBoyfriend's ex girlfriend. and she's a pretty lass. Young, tall, olive skinned and sweet. With hurt in her eyes when she saw me. And for a moment when our eyes interlocked, I could feel her pain. And remembered how I was hurt before in my previous relationship. So I feel sad for her. But we all live in an unfair world. And I hope she find her happiness too one day. But I cannot get her out of my mind. And that night when I made love to TheBoyfriend, I thought of her and thought of them together. and I know that my worst enemy in this relationship..are my own anxieties.
...lately i feel stupid. not silly stupid but really stupid. like my brains choose to shut down and i cant think of much to say (the feeling you get at 4am after out on a drinking binge and many late nights). should i go for a scan? is it just the case for getting older? is 33 THAT old that u cant really string 2 words together when feeling a wee bit tired?
...I attended a Golfer's Party last sunday, and got to meet a bunch of expat wives of The Boyfriend's golfing mates. It was fun but I didnt like the comment made by an american visitor soon as I was introduced to him 'Oh! She's a cute little thing isnt is?' while checking me out up and down. I was visibly upset (its accpetable if the comment was made on a Friday night out but during a very descent sunday lunch??) and TheBoyfriend knew it too, so he casually mentioned what I do for a living et al. It is not a nice feeling when you have to try twice as hard just to prove your worth. Is it all about being a brown-skinned girl in the company of a Caucasian? Because I WAS a respectable little wife of an Englishman once upon a time and had to try twice as hard even then. Or is it me? Do I come across as a little floozie, until you get to know me better?
...I had bought a magnificent OSIM thingie- magie-hubba-jubba-whochamacallit for his birthday. And from past experience, when i spend more than RMX amount of money on a man, it backfires and i jinx myself. Is the OSIM thingie- magie-hubba-jubba-whochamacallit an overkill? Am I trying to subconsciously make up for the RM20K holiday? Am I desperately trying to not be regarded as an SPG girlfriend who takes but never give?
Am i just being a bloody woman and over analyzing everything?
Ms J at 12:00 AM
